‘True Blood’ Runs Thicker

TUTTLEMODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

Living in L.A., I get to do a lot of fun things that aren’t exactly common in many other cities around the world and going to premieres is near the top of that list.  First of all, they’re free.  And that goes for the popcorn and soft drinks, too.  Second, if you’ve taken a few minutes to fix your damn hair, the fans thronging the red carpet try to take your picture because they think you must be someone famous.  Finally, there’s a great party with an open bar and dinner after the screening to say, I guess, “thank you for coming to watch our movie…for free!”  How cool is that?

I remember my first big premiere at the Egyptian Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, which is incidentally where the tradition originated in 1922 with Douglas Fairbanks’ Robin Hood, but the one I’m talking about was many years later.  I know I look young for my age but that would be pushing it.

Go Big or Go Home

TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

As I was barreling somewhat recklessly down Olympic Boulevard toward American Idol’s finale at downtown L.A.’s Nokia Theatre last week, my friend Mary sat in the passenger seat, calmly applying her eye shadow.  “My Gaaad,” she said in her lovely Mid-western accent, “Jennifer Lopez has probably been in hair and makeup for three hours already.”

Brazilian idol: Sergio Bochert by Rick Day.

Within an hour, we were only a few feet away from La Lopez and it looked like Mary had called it pretty accurately.  Jennifer was stunning in long-sleeved beaded Blumarine, but Mary in her black strapless floor-length Rick Owens gown was no slouch, either, even if she did do her makeup in the car.

But Ya Are, Blanche!

TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

Last Saturday night, my dear friend Lisa and I had the honor of attending the opening night of Bitchslap! in West Hollywood, in which my friend C. Stephen Foster plays Bette Davis.  If that doesn’t sound gay enough, just keep reading.

And if THAT wasn’t gay enough, how’s this photo?  Pablo Hernandez by Thomas Synnamon.

The play traces the legendary rivalry between Davis and Joan Crawford, using gossip columnist Hedda Hopper as an entertaining intermediary, which culminates in the two actresses’ first collaboration on the film Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Hip to Be Square

TUTTLE MODE

by James  Tuttle

Gentle reader,

Okay, so don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been watching Smash on NBC from the very first episode.  That surprised me because I hate musicals, aside from Cabaret and Chicago, both of which are among my favorite films, but that’s because the songs are integral to the plot; they’re largely about singers and dancers.

Tyson Paige in Hipster-with-a trust-fund swimwear. (Ph: Steven Chee)

My Fair Lady gets a pass, too, because Audrey Hepburn was so beautiful and Cecil Beaton’s Ascot scene was so brilliant, but if I hear so much as the first two bars of “Seventy-six Trombones” or “The Surrey with the Fringe on Top” I will claw my way through the fucking wall to get out of there.

Ball So Hard

TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

Over the weekend, I took Scott—or The Gimp, as he is known since fucking up his Achilles tendon last week—and braved the democratic hordes of Universal CityWalk with his crutches to catch the new Avengers movie.  This was a happy accident since it happens to be Shoot Your Heroes Week here at PFC.

Chet Corey is available for the next superhero movie.

We’d have normally wandered down the hill to the super-luxe Arclight Cinemas but the movie wasn’t playing there and Disney’s beautifully restored El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard wanted $30 a ticket, which they’ll get from me the day they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.  Universal is just over the hill, though it sometimes seems light years away culturally.  It’s really not so bad once you get the hang of the labyrinthine parking structure and the Mexican kids playing in their underwear in any available water feature.

I’m Too Sexy for My Shirt

TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

I just watched a show where all the girls had the same damn hairstyle, parted in the middle and flattened down until it reached the sides where it fell into loose barrel curls.  Maybe this is a big thing in Chicago, where VH1’s House of Consignment is set but it looked like they’d all been auditioning for a Pride and Prejudice remake on their lunch breaks.

Philip Muscato is too sexy for his shirt, as well. (Ph: Greg Vaughn)

When they weren’t fixing their hair, the fashionistas at the online consignment giant eDrop-Off were getting ready for their big Charity Warehouse Sale, so they sent their two “eTerns”—a term they think is so clever that they say it about every five seconds—out into the streets to pass out flyers.  The eTern Daniel, dressed so fashionably that he looked like a circus clown, kept sashaying around and saying, “Hi, we’re having, like, a charity” so it’s no wonder no one wanted to take one.

Swimsuit Issues

TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

You know how you can’t seem to walk away from some bad relationships no matter how painful they are?  Even though you know you’ll ultimately be disappointed, you go back for more again and again.  History is replete with examples of these tragic obsessions:  Antony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet, Frank and Ava.  Now you can add HGTV and me to that list because, goddammit, they just sucked me back in with dreamy Carter Oosterhouse.

Derek Richardson makes this dump a Million Dollar Room. (Ph: Richard Gerst)

Oosterhouse is hosting a new show called Million Dollar Rooms.  Really expensive stuff plus a hot carpenter seems like an incredible combination, right?  This episode focused on over-the-top kitchens and baths and there were some stunning spaces, but I can only deal with so many $5,000 showerheads in a half hour and, to top it off, Carter kept his damn shirt on the whole time.  I mean, it’s a show about showers, Carter!  Get with the fucking program!

Always a Bridesmaid

TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

I was just going through the arduous task of deleting today’s Facebook friend requests when I decided to flip on the TV to make the process less tedious and what should appear on the screen but a little gem called Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids.  The episode was about half over, but I already had a really clear idea of what was going on courtesy of the very descriptive title.  Anything that says “bridesmaids” is bound to be an overflowing bounty of estrogen and ego.

Luke Guldan is not a bridesmaid and can have any haircut he wants.

In one salon, a lovely African-American bride-to-be was having trouble achieving clarity on what she wanted her bridesmaids to wear and the bridesmaids in question weren’t really helping because they basically complained about everything.  I have to say that, when it came to a shiny burgundy number with a cape thing attached to a huge cluster of fabric flowers on the back that the bride just adored, I was on their side.

Tiny Dancers

TUTTLE MODE

By James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

As disturbing as it sounds, I finally decided to tune into Lifetime’s Dance Moms the other day and saw a bunch of little girls in red tracksuits chasing after a really big lady in a black schmatte.  It turns out that they are students of the Abby Lee Dance Studio attending a competition in Chicago and that big lady is their coach Abby Lee, who is extremely bossy and reminds me of a brunette Paula Deen with Kirsty Ally’s voice.  Oh, wait.  I guess that just means she reminds me of Kirsty Ally.  I’m confused now.  Fat people can do that to you.

Filip Jankovic found a way to spend less on clothes. (Ph: Rick Day)

After the little girls put on so much makeup they could easily work the corner of Santa Monica and Highland, they’re ready to dance.  First up is petite, pretty Maddy and she does an impressive job, but I’m confused by the mime action and the gymnastic back flips interspersed throughout the dance, like it’s a ballet and a floor routine at the same time.  Maybe it’s some new thing.  Her main competition is a little redheaded boy named Justice who looks like Little Orphan Annie.  Where’s the justice in that?  They’re followed by a trio of older girls from the studio in Rainbow Brite tube tops over black tutus who dance pretty well despite their horrid outfits.

Duck and Cover

TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

Scrolling down the cable lineup over the weekend, I ran across something called Duck Dynasty on A&E and since they were airing six episodes back to back I thought it must be something really good.  I also had in mind the recurring duck motif in the recent fall collections, from the Asian-inspired duck prints at Dries Van Noten and understated duck’s head details at Burberry Prorsum to duck hunting themes at Dior Homme.

Chet Corey demonstrates a better duck hunting ensemble.

About ten seconds in, I realized that what happens on this show has nothing to do with the catwalks of Paris and Milan, but I was so mesmerized by the long, frizzy ZZ Top beards on the screen that it was still a couple of minutes before I figured out what the hell was going on.