by Eric J Baker
Ice hockey is a metaphor for adultery.
Yeah, I know, everyone says that. But it’s true: You have a guy with a long, stiff shaft trying to score into a soft, willing receptacle that does not belong to him. The other guy is trying real hard not to let that happen. It’s a game of inches, as they say, and you can interpret that how you want.
But Baker, you ask, what about soccer and field goals in football? Doesn’t the metaphor extend to those games? No, because they depend on the human foot, which is the least sexy part of the body and has no business participating in lovemaking (unless you have a weird fetish or are into S&M). You could make a case for lacrosse, since there’s also a stick, but everybody scores in lacrosse and they do it often. I’d say lacrosse is more like your younger sister’s freshman year at college, but that’s a different blog post.