Tag Archives: Mob Wives

All the Single Ladies

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by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

You’re not going to believe this but there’s a new matchmaker show on the horizon.  That’s right, Why Am I Still Single?! is here!  The geniuses at VH1, home of quality programming like Mob Wives and Rock of Love Bus, premiered their answer to Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker over the weekend and, holy shit, it’s a train wreck.

Garrett Neff doesn't look like he needs a matchmaker. (Ph: J. Tsipoulanis)

The first thing we notice is that Patti’s competition is a pretty New Yorker named Siggy Flicker, which sounds like it could be Cockney rhyming slang for female anatomical parts.  She seems to have a good head on her shoulders, but attached to that head are the longest hair extensions in the Western Hemisphere.  One of the first things she says is “You can’t fake love.  You can’t fake passion.  You can’t fake chemistry.”  But you sure can fake your damn hair!  Who the hell thinks five-foot long hair looks good, anyway?  Crystal Gale? Continue reading

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Thai One On In Milan

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by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

I have to admit that, other than the cover of People in the checkout line, I haven’t been keeping up with this season of The Bachelorette on ABC.  Honestly, it’s usually not as much fun as The Bachelor because the contestants are straight guys and straight guys tend to get along, pat each other on the back and say supportive things.  The ladies on The Bachelor, on the other hand, are more likely to argue, stab each other in the back and pull hair.  Or maybe I’m thinking of Mob Wives.

If you watch it the right way, boxing is really gay porn.

As I turned on the television the other night, some hunky shirtless guys in boxing gear were fighting it out in a picturesque boxing ring in an exotic Asian locale.  It may have looked like a straight person’s idea of a gay porn movie but this was actually The Bachelorette and the guys whaling on each other were those straight guys that I’d normally expect to be getting along so well.  Of course, I had to rewind to the beginning and, when I learned that they had taken the whole thing to the beautiful temple-filled city of Chiang Mai in Thailand, I thought, “What better way to honor a beautiful city and its ancient culture than to plop down and bunch of douchebags and tape a reality show?”  You’re welcome, Thailand! Continue reading

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Idolatry

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Gentle reader,

Crowds surge.  Cameras flash.  We rush to seats.  So many mill about.  See friends.  Wave.  Wait.  Waiting.  Clear the aisles!  Quiet!  Five.  Four.  Three.  Two.  Ryan Seacrest.

“This is.”

“American Idol.”

Audience roars!

I thought I was about to disappoint you once again by writing about live performances rather than the television shows that, together, we have come to love but I then happily realized that I’m not!  Even though I may have been watching the live performance from an excellent seat at Nokia Theater/L.A. Live, you were watching it at the same time on the nation’s most beloved reality competition.  Yes, it’s the American Idol finale!

Gaga ran into the Chinese beaded curtain on the way in and kept it.

Okay, I know, Chip McKinney, gay polo leader.  You are going to say, “I was there, too!  And I was actually sitting two rows in front of you, which technically makes my seat better.”  But, for the sake of argument, let’s say the rest of you were watching the show from the comfort of your living room or kitchen or dungeon or whatever you’re into.  And thanks for your (imagined) two cents, Chip.

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Even Mob Wives Wear Lanvin

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by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

Mob Wives?  Let me tell you, that is some serious shit.  I can’t believe I only caught the last fifteen minutes of the premiere episode.  Too many mimosas at brunch caused a glitch in my internal reality television clock that would normally alert me that it was on.  It was still long enough to know that these girls ain’t playin’.

The feral molls in fur from "Mob Wives" proudly rule the Staten Island boardwalk, while Lady Liberty quivers in the background.

When I tuned in, the ladies were in the midst of getting ready for Carla’s birthday party.  Though Renee looks a bit like a linebacker in an Anna May Wong wig, she informs us that she likes “getting dressed up, the glitz, the glamour, the high heels, the best of everything!”  We hear these words as she’s zipping up some black vinyl boots (two inch heels max!) and tying a big sparkly crystal necklace over what appears to be a purple sweatshirt from Wal-Mart.  I must say her eye shadow matches the sweatshirt perfectly. Continue reading

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