by James Tuttle
Are you sitting down? If not, maybe you should be. I have something to tell you. You may have come to know me as an icon of taste and style over these past weeks but I have a terrible admission. I’m not actually perfect. For one thing, my left thumb bends a little crooked, the result of a nasty childhood break. And that’s not the worst of it. I am also recovering from an acute addiction problem.
The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint you, especially now that we’ve become so close. If you think back over our history, we’ve been betrayed by Balmain together, dealt with trampy Housewives, and confronted drag as an art form. You and I have even learned some tricks for the over-40 guy and gone on the lam from the damn mafia, so I feel I should be honest with you. I’m just going to say it. I was addicted to HGTV.
I don’t know how it started. I can’t even remember which show I first watched on this seductive network but it was quickly followed by another and then another until HGTV was on whenever I was home. You have to admit that Candice Olsen does very glamorous work with her gas fireplaces and crystal chandeliers. David Bromstad designed great rooms in the Bay Area, especially when he wasn’t wearing his shirt, before he tanked on the Miami season. Maybe he started wearing his shirt too much.
And don’t get me started on Sarah’s House! Unbeknownst to them, I was involved a love triangle with Sarah and her witty sidekick Tommy, as they overhauled a sixties suburban split-level one season and then a Victorian farmhouse the next. Every room started with a fabric swatch and the results were stunning. The fact that seasons of Sarah’s House are not available on DVD is another testament to the fact that the DVD-making people are retarded. I was very confused by Sarah’s Jewish Orthodox housewife wig look that is so prominent in the La Brea/Beverly Boulevard neighborhood because that bitch is up in Canada! Whatever. I didn’t have time to ponder because Design Star was on. I was watching HGTV whenever I wasn’t working out, dressing fabulous women or playing polo…or driving from one of those things to another. We Angelenos spend a lot of time in the car.
It’s all over now, though. Something finally broke the hold that HGTV had on my life. I’m sorry, HGTV, but I’m not putting up with your shit anymore. House Hunters was the final fucking straw. I could tolerate low-budget crap like Design on a Dime on mornings when I really had nothing to do, but House Hunters fills the prime-time slot nearly every night of the week. What the hell kind of stupid show is that? People look at three houses and then, drum roll please…they pick one. That’s it! That’s the whole damned show! They’re not even interesting houses. Or people.
To top it off, there is even a spin-off called House Hunters International created to torture people in other countries. It’s even worse. It’s about foreign people wearing ugly shorts choosing one of three houses usually in some exotic locale. It might sound interesting because of the “exotic locale” part but it isn’t. The places they have to choose from are sad, rundown hovels that need tons of work or a wrecking ball. Maybe I should be grateful to House Hunters for making me see that I’d hit rock bottom. Goodbye, HGTV. Don’t let Antonio’s ugly welded metal door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Speaking of shorts, they are everywhere this season! And, no, I don’t mean those $12 terry cloth things at Old Navy. I mean the shorts that created a statement in so many collections for this Spring/Summer: Anna Sui, Balmain, Isabel Marant, Emporio Armani, Chanel and even Badgley Mischka, where you’d expect them to be beaded to death. They were actually quite nice. The leather shorts at Hermes, on the other hand, will make you look very silly. Please avoid.
According to the trend reports(http://widbox.com/trendiest-ways-to-wear-shorts-in-2011), the diversity of the shorts available can take you from the most casual poolside gathering to quite formal affairs, but allow me to offer a few tips to wearing them well no matter what the occasion:
Choose a style of shorts that flatters you. Duh. Not every woman is going to look great in the short shorts we saw at Chanel and no woman should be running around town in “coochie cutters” or Daisy Dukes. Those are intended for strip clubs and Jessica Simpson only. By all means, step outside your comfort zone, but don’t look like a whore doing it.
Experiment with proportion. Some shorts can be worn with flats, some will probably only work with heels, but you’ll only know when you make a date with a full length mirror. This also goes for what you’ll be wearing on top. If the shorts are fitted, you can wear a blousy blouse; if they have volume, you might want to stick to a narrow tee. As a steadfast rule, the contrasting volume thing has been thrown out the window the last couple of seasons but it still serves as a solid guideline if you’re on the fence.
Tan. You’ve seen those girls that look beautiful with their ethereally white, Pre-Raphaelite skin? You’re not her. If you don’t want to face the sun before you don those leg-bearing shorts, and I understand your resistance given the ozone layer’s wonderfully successful disappearing act, there is an amazing product called Jergen’s Natural Glow. Just use in place of your regular moisturizer for a week or so and you’ll look great.
Those are my main suggestions for the ladies. Pretty straightforward, right? I might address the men’s shorts challenges at a later date but I didn’t want to end without echoing GQ’s advice to guys who ask, “How do I wear a blazer with shorts?”